


Music is my heart and soul

by Edgy_Trashbag



Category: Phandom, danandphil - Fandom
Genre: 2009!phan, 2012!Phan, Angst, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Kind of gay, M/M, Magic, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Religious!Dan, Sad, Secret Lovers, Song fic, aspiring lawyer, based off songs, okay super gay, oneshots, parent!phan, pastel!dan, punk!phil, slowburn, smart, some of these tags only apply to certain chapters, songfics, ultraangst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-11-17 09:56:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 14,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11273127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Edgy_Trashbag/pseuds/Edgy_Trashbag
Summary: Okay I'm doing the song Fic thing where you put your music on shuffle and write oneshots based on the song. The first chapter is just the list and the chapters onward of that will be the one shots





	1. Chapter 1

Prompt: put your music on shuffle and write down the first 20 songs. Write a one shot for each song. 

List:  
black magic-little mix  
Little do you know-Alex and Sierra  
Don't stop-5sos  
What is this feeling-wicked  
Amnesia-5sos  
Impossible year-p!atd  
Alone together-fob  
Colors-Halsey  
Say you won't let go-James Arthur  
Oh ms believer-tøp  
Good girls-5sos  
Scars to your beautiful -Alessia Car  
Carousel-Melanie Martinez  
Crazy=genius-p!atd  
I don't love you-MCR  
Youth-Troye Sivan  
Sarah smiles-p!atd  
Heartbreak girl-5sos  
Some type of love-Charlie puth


	2. Black Magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one shot is based off of "Black Magic" by little mix. 
> 
> The story in which Dan is in love with his internet friend Phil and tried to make a love potion.!
> 
> Based of 2009 PHAN meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be a little horrible forgive me I didn't know what this was.

"Black Magic" by little mix. 

 

Of course I knew I shouldn't use my magic powers for my own benefit especially when it messes with the natural world but you see, I'm hopelessly in love with my best friend. Phil and I have been friends for a couple of months now, we haven't ever met in person but we will next month. We met on the Internet and we Skype every single night. He has Raven black hair and the brightest blue eyes I've ever seen. He's so beautiful and I can't stand the fact that he doesn't like me, I mean I've never asked but it's clear the feeling isn't mutual. 

He doesn't even know about my powers to cast spells and create actual potions! It would just be so easy to do a spell, even if it is black magic, it's just a love potion.   
All I have to do is pour it into a drink of his, maybe go to Starbucks and distract him as I pour the potion into his drink. And yes I know it sounds like I'm drugging him but I'm not! 

I've nearly mastered the potion. It's been two weeks and I think I've got it. The ingredients are quite odd but if my spell book says so it must be right.  
*Ingredients:  
1 red rose petal   
1 hair of your own  
1 teaspoon of your own spit  
1 teaspoon of your tears (wtf)*  
It's actually quite simple for a love spell so strong. 

 

I'm meeting Phil tomorrow and I'm so nervous. He told me not to worry about anything but that's nearly impossible for me!!! I'm leaving early in the morning and I'm taking the train to meet him. We are meeting in the Manchester train station and I couldn't be more nervous. What shall I wear? What shall he think of me?

Tomorrow I'm meeting Dan. He's been my best friend for over six months now. The thing is I'm in love with him. He is not in love with me but I can do magic and I've conjured up a potion to make him fall in love with me. The ingredients are kinds of off.   
"One red rose petal,  
One strand of your own hair  
One teaspoon of your own spit  
One teaspoon of your own tears." But what else would you expect from a love potion? I plan on taking him to Starbucks and pouring it on his drink (sounds illegal I know) but you have no idea. He has beautiful brown hair (it's naturally curly and so wonderful) mocha brown eyes and the cutest smile. I'm meeting him at the Manchester train station tomorrow. I'm so nervous.

 

I board the train and almost vomit as the butterflies in my stomach are going crazy. This is going to be a very long ride. I look out the window for a bit to calm my nerves.

When the train finally stops in Manchester I get up quickly as the world seems to slow down. Just outside of the train car i was in was Phil, the real Phil Lester. I run to him so quickly that I almost twist my ankle (not fun).   
"Oh my god." I whisper. "It's actually you!" He pulls me into a tight hug, sidenote-he smells really good.   
"Aww you're even cuter in person,"Phil whispers in my ear and I feel my face blush so freaking hard. He finally releases me but grabs a hold of my hand. "Is this okay?" He asks.  
"Better than okay," I mumble. Phils eyes lit up quickly and he blushed a little.   
"Dan, before anything else happens I need to tell you something that's a little, er, odd." I get very nervous when he says that. "Well I kinda do magic." He whispers shyly.   
"Really?" My eyes lit up like crazy! How crazy is that! "So do I!" I almost yell.  
"And," uh oh there's an and. "I also really really like you," he whispers to the ground.  
"So I spent all this time working on a potion for nothing?" I joke as I pull out the tube with the potion in it. "Guess I won't be needing this anymore." I throw the potion into the nearest bin.   
"Guess I won't need this either." Phil giggles and takes out a similar tube from his pocket. He tosses it into the bin.

 

We went on the Manchester eye where I kissed him. I'll have to say, that was the most fun I've ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you liked this wierd strange oneshot


	3. "Little do you know."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which 2012!phan is broken but they try to put each other back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This oneshot is based off of "little do you know" by Alex and Sierra

Little do you know-Alex and Sierra 

Little does he know but I'm breaking apart right in front of him. Everything between us had been going so so well but then something happened. I don't know what but something did. I think maybe there is an overwhelming amount of people who want to know everything about me on the Internet, it's hard to stay closeted when you're on the Internet as much as I, I don't even know why I'm so scared of being outed. Maybe it's because when I came out to my family they were less than pleased. My dad and I would argue about the bible pretty much at least once a week and it made me miserable. Sure, the whole internet is going to be mostly supportive but what about the other people who aren't? It's just too much for me to handle sometimes. It's even harder to know that I'm breaking whilst he falls asleep.

I'm haunted by the memories of when everything was perfect, when all we had to worry about was his mum walking in on us. Back when everything was great. I still love Phil more than anything in this entire world but I can't do it, I need to put myself back together and it's so hard. I want to be the eighteen year old who was allowed to make mistakes, who had an excuse to do something dumb but now I'm expected to know what I'm doing, to always be right. Having a huge audience is great and all but you have all this pressure to be perfect and they want to know literally everything and I'm angry.

I'm angry that people won't leave me alone, I'm angry that people are stalking my brother, I'm angry that Phil let the video get linked. I'm angry. I've tried forgiving him but I can't forget. It's just not in my nature I guess. But the thing is I love Phil more than literally anything but I'm angry and he's upset that I'm angry because we both know it wasn't his fault and that makes me angrier. 

 

Little does he know, I do know he's breaking, I do know he's in pain but no matter what I do, he's still angry, he's still broken. I'm upset that he's in so much pain and I can't do anything about it. I'm in so much pain because I love him, I just want him back. I miss the happy Dan that wouldn't care about the camera and I miss him touching my arm without getting scared. I miss my happy Dan. I'm going to love him despite the pain we are both in. 

Sometimes I feel like all my mistakes are drowning me. I honestly didn't leak the video myself, it was a glitch but it was my fault for not deleting it, I should've deleted it the second after Dan saw it because the damage it has brought to us is way stronger than his happiness was back then. I love him so much but he's making it seem like it's all my fault, he puts all his blame on me and it's not fair. I didn't mean to hurt him. No matter what I will love him until the sun dies and longer. 

 

I've decided I need to talk to Phil. I put so much pressure on him and it really isn't my fault. Lately he's been ignoring me but that's probably because I've pushed him away, I yell at him when he's near.   
"Hey.. Um, Phil, can we talk?" 

"Of course we can," I say knowing that any single word either of us say could make or break our future. Whenever people ask if you can talk it's usually a bad thing.   
"I'm so so sorry. I know it isn't your fault, I've let my insecurities get the best of me." Dan whispers sheepishly. "Truthfully, when I'm pushing you away it's because I don't want to get hurt, and I really don't want to hurt you."   
"What?"   
"Phil, we both know you did nothing wrong," Dan starts cry and I pull him into a tight embrace. "I'm so sorry."   
"Dan, I get it, it's okay," I kiss his forehead and wipe away his tears. "We can get through this, I know we can."   
"Phil, thank you so much," Dan smiles softly. "I love you so much, I'll always love you,"   
"Dan I will love you until the sun dies." And I did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worked so hard on this one and I think it's WAYYY better than my last one


	4. "Don't stop"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which pastel!dan sees punk!phil at a party and he falls super hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based off of "don't stop" by 5sos

"Yeah mum, I'm just heading off to my friends house to spend the night." I can't believe I so blatantly lied to my mom just to go to a dumb party all because the infamous Phil Lester was gonna be there. I decided to wear my thickest flower crown in my curly hair and my purple sweater and light pink jeans. Of course I needed to wear my purple converse to match my sweater. I'm even wearing highlighter and I feel like a fucking queen not lying. My nails are painted pink because why the fuck not? 

The party itself is pretty lame as everybody is drunk except me (I'm the designated driver.) The only other non drunk person here is Phil who is wearing black ripped skinny jeans with a muse t-shirt (oh my god he likes muse too) and his eyes are so blue and I'm living. Every time he walks in the room he has all eyes on him. He's so hot and I don't blame anybody for wanting him as bad as I do. I've had a crush on Phil for over a year, it's miserable. It's just I really don't want him to stop being so hot but damn I'm dying. The way he moves to the beat makes everything so much harder for me (especially my dick, kidding) and I'm hurt. He's so cute and the last time I actually talked to him I was so awkward and nervous but he was so cool. 

"Hey," I finally decided to talk to him. "I'm.." I get cut off.   
"I know who you are," Phil whispers gently. "You're the pretty boy with flower crowns, Daniel Howell." I blush like a motherfucker.   
"And you're the infamous hot heartbreaker, Phil Lester." He blushes slightly to that comment. 

I spend about good ten minutes getting to know Phil, he's really a nice guy. I'm thinking I could run away with him to be honest. (But not actually I don't want to die.)   
"So can I get your number?" I ask politely.   
"Well I actually don't have a phone right now," Phil taps the back of his head. "It's quite an odd story, for a different day."   
"Oh okay," I shrug.   
"But I'll still take your number." I blush even harder.   
"You make things hard for me," Phil whispers in my ear. "I was trying not to fall for anybody."   
I blushed so freaking hard.   
"Oh is that so?" I snarkily reply.  
"Yeah." Phil bites his lip. "I gotta go." And poof he's gone. He'll be back. "Don't stop." I whisper to myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of the quicker ones but I still worked hard on it and I hope you like it


	5. "Amnesia"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Amnesia" by 5SOS 
> 
> In which Phil is writing to Dan to get him to come home after a really long horrible fight that causes Dan to leave for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter was horrible but I spent so long on this one and I actually like it a lot so I hope you do too.

"Amnesia"-5SOS 

Dear Dan,   
Today I drove by all the places where we used to hang out getting wasted. It made me think about our last kiss the way you felt, how you tasted. I remember how you were so gentle and warm and you tasted like perfection. All of our friends tell  
me that you're feeling perfectly fine but I can't help to wonder if you're somewhere sitting by yourself feeling lonely even when that one night stand is right beside you? When the words they yell hurt you do you hear the ones I told you?   
Do you hear me telling you how I think you're the best person on this planet or do you hear me yelling at you to get out of our apartment?

Sometimes I start to think if it was just a lie, we had so much and I can't believe that you are fine. Almost three years of beautiful memories but did it mean anything to you? Was I just some cool youtuber you wanted to fuck? Because Dan, I am most certainly not fine. And I remember when you told me you were leaving, I remember the tears running down your face. All those dreams you left behind with me, the ones you didn't need. You didn't even need our wishes we worked so hard to make. Dan, my sweet, beautiful, broken, Dan, I love you so much. I wish I could just wake up with amnesia so I could forget about all those stupid things like waking up next to you you and your beautiful curls. These memories just won't let me escape. 

The pictures that you sent me are still living in my phone. Those pictures from 2009 that you sent me because we rarely got to see each other and you sent them because I missed you so much when I wasn't with you. I love seeing these pictures even if they make me feel so alone. It just hurts me so bad knowing you're so happy, it's hurts that you moved on. It's hard to even hear your name because I haven't seen you in so long. 

And if today you woke up right beside me and this was all just some sick and twisted dream I would hold you tighter than I ever have before. I would never let you slip away because I love you so much. Dan please come home. I miss you.   
-A very lonely Phil. 

 

To Phil,   
I'm on my way, I'll be back in about three hours  
-a very sorry Dan

 

"So why did you leave in the first place?" I whisper holding you tightly in my arms.  
"Do you know how hard it is to stay when you yell at me to leave?"  
"If I remember correctly you told me you wanted to leave first."   
"I- I couldn't stay with you because of all the pressure to be someone I wasn't and I love you Phil I love you so much please don't let me leave ever again because I love you."   
"Do you know how hard it is losing your best friend and soulmate at the very same time?"   
"Yes I do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aahhhhhh this was super sad I cried multiple times whilst writing it.


	6. "Impossible Year."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Impossible Year" by p!atd 
> 
> In which Dan has depression and starts feeling suicidal. He develops an alchohol problem and all hell breaks loose. 
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGs: self harm  
> Alcholisim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is by no means trying to romanticize mental illnesses. I am using this as a way to show people that mental illness is not glamorous and something that should be cool or trendy but something we need to work on. I personally have not been diagnosed with depression however during the middle of the year I felt similar to how a lot of people claim their actual depression feels however it was short term. My ex best friend was diagnosed with depression and a lot of my friends diagnosed with depression have told me a lot about it so I was going off some of that and my dad a couple years ago used to get really upset and drink when everybody else had gone to bed (he only told me this very recently) but again this is trying to bring awarness into the world because mental illness is not something to romanticize and glamorous like a lot of shows and movies written by people who have no clue

It really has become an impossible year for me. I've become super depressed, I've began self harming, I mean hell I've almost become an alcoholic.

I try to hide my problems from people to the best of my abilities so normally I just do all these depressing things at night. I drink myself to sleep most nights now. I cover up all the time. Long sleeves are great for hiding things you don't want people to see. In all seriousness I don't want to be alive anymore.   
There is a sinking feeling in my chest and my body refuses to be happy and it's not like I can't be happy but I always end up sad again no matter how hard I try. I don't think the alcohol is really helping but it makes me forget. I only self harm because I am angry at myself for dumb things that don't make sense and that makes me angrier. 

I take showers a lot because all the sounds are covered by the rain dripping and I can hide. I cry and I let all of my feelings out because I can be alone and I don't have to be scared when the only person there to judge me is myself but I'm still scared of myself because I'm horrible. Normally these tears end up choking me and I end up spitting and drooling down my face because I can't seem to care. I always wash myself up and hide away.   
I wait until Phil has fallen asleep and then I go to my room and I drink until I vomit. Every single night. It's pretty much just gin made of tears at this point. And I want to get help I really do but it seems impossible. I can't talk about my feelings because nobody listens and the fans on my videos seem so insincere and it hurts and everything hurts and then normally with my drunk vomiting self I get sick again and I decide i shall cut some more and I'm not trying to be cliche and I don't want some sort of romantic end to this because this is actual pain not pain for others to enjoy with their sadistic smiles. 

When people romanticize mental illness I want them to see me now. I want them to see what these things can do. They've caused my whole world to flip upside down and ruin my life.   
My anxiety levels have grown, I'm so scared of anybody finding out so I've stopped talking to people. I also seem to get angry way quicker and it's horrible because I don't mean to yell and fight but I do. 

 

I am in the shower, it is 11:00 pm and I'm ready to let my emotions flow and I'm going to cry for as long as I need to because I'm a two weeks clean and a week sober. I can't believe I've done it but I have. Phil knocks on the door after what seemed like only a couple minutes.   
"Dan, are you okay?" Phil asks softly.   
"Go away!" I yell defensively.   
"Dan, I would but you've been acting odd for a very long time and I should've brought it up sooner but I found the bottles Dan."   
"GO AWAY PLEASE!" I sob louder this time, spit spewing down my face. My eyes are completely red and I am heated.   
"Dan, please, I don't want you doing anything bad." Phil sniffles.   
Phil unlocks the door with something unknown and pushes it open. I start having a mild panic attack. I'm hyperventilating, I'm shaking, I can barely see. Tears cloud my eyes more than before and snot is running down my face.   
"Dan what is wrong?" Phil asks looking sad.   
"I'm sorry." I barely make out. "I didn't mean to."   
"Shhh Dan it's okay." Phil puts a hand on my shoulder.   
"I just I started cutting and I started drinking and before that I got super depressed and I couldn't do anything about it I'm sorry." I sob loudly trying to catch my breath. "I didn't know Phil I didn't know what I was doing. I was ruining my life."   
"Dan, we are going to get you through this, I love you no matter what." Phil whispers. "But Dan, you should've told me."   
"I know. I know" I huff finally stabilizing my breath.   
"I could've helped before it got this bad."   
"But Phil I'm stopping I've been clean for two whole weeks! I've also been sober for one!" I whisper yell.   
"I'm proud. But this really has been an impossible year."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wel that was wild


	7. "Alone Together"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Alone together" by fall out boy
> 
>  
> 
> In which highschool!phan accidentally get locked in a closet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has nothing to do with the song whatsoever and is all over the place

I'm locked in a closet with none other than Phil Lester. It's quite and interesting and long story. I'll start at the beginning.

I'm only in 9th grade and I'm sitting with my friend group at lunch. My best friend Chris, the mom friend Louise, her best friend Zoe and Zoes boyfriend. Cat isn't here today as she's busy on a day trip to London. All of a sudden these tenth graders, Phil Lester and his friend Pj walk over to our table. I already know of both of them considering everybody knows Phil Lester the edgy boy with a bunch of piercings and black hair and his friend Pj who could actually pass as normal but still hangs out with people like Phil all the time. I of course have a massive crush on Phil because who wouldn't, his striking blue eyes are very captivating. But they walk over to Chris and I and turn to Chris.  
"Hey Chris, we were wondering if you and the boy wanted to go to the creak with us after school." Pj and Chris live on the same street and used to play together as kids.   
"I have a name yah know." I mumble.   
"Speak louder to tell us your name." Phil bites.   
"It's Dan." I reply with a great deal of attitude.   
"Aren't you just lovely?" Phil rolls his eyes.  
"Anyways," pj continues. "We want you two to come to the creek with us."   
"Why?" I ask.  
"Why not." Phil winks.

Chris and I agree and we both ask our parents and they both say yes.   
So Chris and I are going to hang out with the bad boys. How exciting.

After school we walk straight to the creek with the older boys, none of us talking much. Once we finally get to the creek the older boys start talking.  
"Okay so this may be awkward but if you want to go swimming you'll need to go naked." Pj explains.  
"How do I know you aren't going to get us naked then take out stuff and run." I ask defensively.  
"Okay fine we don't have to do that." Pj says calmly. "We can just sit here for a while." And so we do. It was actually pretty nice to be honest. After a while pj asks if we would like to stay the night at his house so then Chris says yes for me before I can even decide. So then I tell my parents I'm spending the night at Chris's house. They agree. I don't know why I'm agreeing to this. What if they kill me? Oh my god I don't want to be murdered. Holy shit! 

Pjs house is really nice and his parents are gone for the weekend so it's just us four alone. Together. Pj informs us that he and Chris are sleeping in his room and Phil and I are sleeping in the guest room. I really don't see why Phil isn't just sleeping in Pjs room and Chris with me but whatever. Chris seems to be having a great time and I haven't gotten any bad vibes and Phil and pj are really nice so I wasn't worried. Then pj decides he and Chris want to go to the store to buy snacks for us. I am alone with Phil. Just the two of us together.   
"So um what should we do now?" I ask. Phil just smiles.  
"I think we should check out the guest room, it's kinda odd I've actually never been in it."   
"Don't you think it's weird that Pj is having us sleep in the same room even though I barely know you?"   
"Yeah but, don't tell Chris, pj has a massive crush on him." Phil chuckles.  
"Oh well good for Chris as he has a massive crush on Pj."   
"Okay let's check out the room."   
The room is a medium size with light blue walls and there's a queen sized bed with white bedding and there's a weird looking closet.   
"Maybe we should explore the closet." Phil exclaims.   
"Are you sure?" I answer hastily.  
"What's the worse that could happen?" And then we both get in the closet and Phil accidentally closes the door. Turns out the closet is a lot smaller than we thought. I turn to open the door and it won't open.   
"Um, the door isn't opening."   
"What do you mean?"  
"It's completely jammed."  
"Let me try." And no use. Luckily we both have our phones so we decide to call Chris.  
"Hello?" Chris answers.  
"So uh, long story but Phil and I got locked in the guest room closet."   
"Ooooh were you.." I cut him off   
"No! Eww. We were just looking at stuff and Phil accidentally closed to door. When will you guys be home?"   
"Well uh... We're going to the mall."   
"The mall is 45 minutes away!"   
"Yeah and we can't turn back and we are almost there but we will try to be quick." He hung up.   
And tHat leads us here.   
Here we are all alone together. Nobody else. Just us.   
"Maybe we should try to get to know each other." Phil suggests as we both slide down to the floor. We try to sit comfortably but we are both over six feet tall so that's not very practical. "I'm Phil. I'm 16 and I really love the band muse."  
"You like muse? I LOVE muse!" So then we talked about muse and a lot of other things and then Phil tells me about his family. "So uh... My parents are both super religious so they don't really like me. You see, I'm bi and they think that kind of stuff is wrong so they just ignore me and the only time they talk to me is when I'm mad at them. It's kind of like I'm a stallion.. They like me more when I'm broken." Phil sheds a single tear.  
"Oh.... Well I don't think it's wrong. In fact I'm bi too."   
"Really?" Phils eyes lit up. And then we continue having conversations about things and then I realize that there is a tiny door in this closet. "Dude check this out!" I open the door and take out my phone flashlight and I manage to get through. There is a tunnel and it's high enough I can stand and wide enough to stretch my arms out.  
"I don't know where you're going, but I really hope you have room for one more trouble soul." Phil yells and gets in with me. "Where does this lead?" Phil asks. I shine the light to the end of the tunnel and I see a large door. Phil and I walk over to it together and open it. There is a room with bloody weapons lining the wall. The floor is covered in blood and I'm pretty sure I saw a severed hand. Phil and I look at each other and start running. "What the fuck is this?" I yell. "I don't know but we have to leave now. Before Pj gets back. And we need to call the police." Phil screeches. And so then we kick open the closet door and gather our things. Once we get outside and are completely out of the yard we call the police and explain everything. After about fifteen minutes they arrive and we show them the room. They go over to the blood and laugh at us. Turns out it was a movie set up because pj never told us his mom is a director and his dad is a prop guy. They film there! Oh my god. We apologize to the police and they tell us it was good we called just in case and then once they left Phil and I laughed. We also fixed up the closet door. 

"Get Chris we got out of the closet so y'all can take longer."  
"Okay we'll be back in about an hour and a half." 

 

"That was an adventure." Phil whispers. We are sat on the guest bedroom bed next to each other.  
"Yeah... I honestly was so scared."   
"Me too." And then I kiss him on the cheek. And then he cups my chin lightly and kisses me. And then before I knew it I had fallen in love with Phil Lester.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo this sucked but I hope you still liked it


	8. Colors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Colors" by Halsey 
> 
>  
> 
> In which Phil Lester is in love with his girlfriends brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is actually more based on the music video not the actual song but instead of the dad it's the brother he's in love with.

"Just because your little brother doesn't tell you he loves you, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you," I told my girlfriend of a year Adriana. "Trust me Daniel just doesn't show emotions." She giggled.   
I feel bad for Adriana because she feels as nobody loves her except for me, the truth is everybody loves her except for me. I mean she's a great girl and all but I just can't seem to love her and it's not just her it's any girl in general because well I guess I can't love. She told me that's the only time her mother even smiles is on her tv shows. Everybody thinks that Adriana is spoiled because she's the richest girl in our whole private school which is already pretty rich. She lives in a three story house with her parents and her little brother Daniel who is only a year younger than us.   
Dan and I get along quite well actually. We both love our favorite band muse, and we both love video games and anime and we just get along really well. A lot of the time I'll come over to Adriana's house just to spend time with him but whenever Adriana is around he always goes and hides in his room for ages. I don't blame him for not liking Adriana very much as she has a habit of doing drugs. She does heroine and I've tried so desperately to get her to stop and that's the only times she seems happy. I really hope she makes it to be at least twenty-eight years old. It's such a waste too. She has breast length long wavy brown hair and dark brown eyes. She's very pretty but not for me. Then why do i stay with her you may be asking yourself. Well she needs somebody to keep an eye on her because her parents never care and Dan can't even look at her because she's proof that even the best people can be ruined. I think there's another reason why I can't leave her but I don't know why. 

I've started taking Polaroids of Dan whenever Adrianna is gone. Today his brown hair is slightly curly and his dimples are deeper than ever and his warm brown eyes are drawing me in even more than usual. I want to remember this moment forever so I will take as many pictures as possible. I keep them all in my wallet just so I can keep them with me forever.   
It's almost a problem. Whenever Dan isn't looking I'll take candid pictures of him and I find them all so beautiful. But that doesn't mean I'm gay. No I just think he's by standards he is an attractive guy. But I could never be gay? Could I be gay? Oh well shit I think I'm gay. 

Everything about me is blue, my eyes, my jeans, my pills (I get really anxious okay), my hands even. But Adrianna is red, and when she touched me I was a lilac sky, and purple just wasn't for her. 

But Dan is grey, his dreams, his smoke, his everything and he's so beautiful and I love him. Holy fuck I'm in love with my girlfriends brother. 

One day when Adrianna is gone I go see Dan. He is sat at the top corner of his bed with earbuds in. I knock on the door even though it's already open and he looks up at me and smiles.   
"Oh hey, uh Adrianna's at a friends house right now." Dan mutters. "She should be back within an hour though."   
"I didn't come here for her. I came her for you." Dan blushes.   
"Oh?"   
"Yeah, I kinda wanted to talk to you about something."   
"Hit me,"   
"So uh I think I might be...uh"   
"Gay?" Dan finished my sentence for me.  
"Yeah." I look away and then look back only to see Dan is even closer to me than before. And then before I know it he's kissing me and I'm kissing him and then I'm on top of him and I'm taking off his shirt and then, Adrianna walks in. I make eye contact with her and I know she's hurt and I'm hurt that I hurt her and then she yells.  
"Get the fuck out of my house. Both of you! Go be a fags somewhere else! Dan! Pack up your stuff and go. I'm telling mom." She yells and cries. "And Phil, you'll never be forgiven until your children are two!" And she ran to her room. I think it best to not talk to her or Dan on the way out of the house. I sit in my car in the driveway until Dan walks out with a backpack full of things.   
"Where are we going?" Dan asks. "Wherever the road takes us."   
And now I'm waking every morning but it's not with you.  
And now, everything is blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this rubbish !


	9. Say you won't let go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Say you won't let go" by James Arthur 
> 
> In which Dan and Phil grow old together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've read my story dear Dan it's a lot like this but shorter and a little different but it is different than dear Dan don't worr

Dear Daniel, 

When I met you, I was going through bad situations and even though I never showed it I was hurting but then you stepped into my life. You lit me up, you made me feel as though I was enough and I had never felt that before.   
I remember the first time we went to a party together you got way too drunk and you started throwing up, worst thing is I had to hold your hair back. And then you looked over your shoulder and I felt super fucking sober and that was nearly impossible. I let you stay over at my house. You slept on my bed and I slept on the floor because you were drunk out of your mind. I just wanted you to get rest.   
I had known I loved you then but would've never known, I had to play it cool because I was so scared of letting go. I was genuinely terrified because you were the best thing to ever happen to me.   
And then we moved in together and that was all crazy. I would wake you up with breakfast in bed and also a kiss on your head and you would always blush and it was so beautiful oh my god.   
And then after we adopted Winnie and Louise I would take them to school and wave them goodbye and it was sad every single time but then I would come home and on the drive back I always thanked the lucky stars for the first time you decided to message me and how it changed my life forever in the best way possible. And whenever you look over your shoulder I forget that we're older and it makes me think of being young and dumb with you. I would always want to dance with you and then you were so beautiful and everyday you got better. You make me feel this way somehow. I just so in love with you and I really hope you know. Darling your love is worth it's weight in gold, it's actually worth more probably. We've come so far! Back from you being a lonely teenager in your room and me being a lonely loser on the Internet and now we've gone on tour twice and produced two books. I wanna live with you until we're grey and old. So just say you won't let go.

I want to live with you even when we're ghosts because you were always there for me when I needed you most. I'm going to love you until my lungs give out because that's what I promised in our vows. Till death do us part. But in reality death doesn't end love, it only delays it a bit. So I wrote this note for you, so everybody knows, it will stay with you because man we are already grey and old. So just say you won't let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like this song so I felt you guys needed to read this


	10. Oh Ms Believer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh Ms Believer" by Tøp
> 
>  
> 
> In which Phil falls in love with Dan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is very short but it's because I love this song so much but I cant write very well to my most favorite songs most of the time

Oh ms believer. 

I never really knew what true love would feel like. I never knew what love was until that week in December that you spent at my house. My parents were out of town so I invited you over to my house and we were already dating so it wasn't awkward. I think this is when I properly fell in love with you. I remember the first night and I remember watching you fall asleep. The first though that came into my head was how pretty you were whilst you were falling asleep. Your hair started to curl from the humidity in the house and your dimples were just so cute and you're beautiful.   
Your twisted mind is like the snow outside on the road. And even in the heat your shoulders would shake which shows that it's colder inside your head than the winter of dead that it feels like right now. When we were outside and you were wearing earmuffs I whispered that I loved you but you couldn't hear and I didn't want you to until later you pulled me close and told me you loved me and then I wrote "I love Dan" in the snow.   
And then over time we became one. It was never Dan or Phil it was always Dan and Phil. And we grew colder as we grew older and we fought and we fought until we realized that fighting wasn't getting us anywhere and then we became Dan and Phil again. And one day when we grow older we will be slower but my heart will never stop beating for you and you only.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it kinda sucked but I hope you still enjoyed it


	11. Good girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Good girls" by 5SOS
> 
>  
> 
> In which Dan is a secret bad boy to meet up with his boyfriend Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is bad but whoops

I'm my parents favorite child what can I say? They're saving for Harvard! I most certainly can make it, I'm great at school and I never argue. I mean hell I'm fluent in French! They believe my innocent brown eyes when I tell them I'm studying up in my room. I usually sneak out my window to meet with Phil, my boyfriend. He has Raven black hair and piercing blue eyes and all of it contrasts his pale skin and he's so pretty. People always think I'm a good kid, I've even been given the nick name "good girl" by my peers. What they don't know is good girls are just bad girls that haven't been caught. 

People actually think I live in the library. I'm really into all that self improvement. I do actually like reading quite a bit and if you ask I'll say that's where you'll find me. If you look you probably won't find me, I'm clever but I'm also cocky sometimes. I'm in the back of the room where literally nobody ever looks, I'm usually making out with Phil and not reading books. We've even hooked up back there. 

"Daniel, we're leaving for the weekend, your brother is coming with us, and we trust you'll be fine on your own," my mother yells as she opens the front door. "No throwing any crazy parties okay?"   
"Yes mother, I wouldn't do anything bad that would be horrendous!" I yell back. 

I don't throw any crazy parties I just have my boyfriend over. Phil really is the kindest person ever. I couldn't ask for a better partner honestly. Phil is very gentle and funny. He understands me and that's new for me. A lot of my firsts were with him, and I really hope a lot of lasts are with him too. 

"Hey!" I hug Phil as he opens my front door. "My parents are gonna be gone all weekend."   
"That's great." Phil whispers.   
We have to hide our relationship from my parents as they are pretty homophobic so I don't hang out with him much when they're around but they do like him.   
Phil and I play mario cart a lot when he is at my house. I'm much better at it than he is so I usually come in first place. We also watch anime and listen to music together. It's nerdy and romantic. Since my parents have a lot of money I have my own big bathroom with a very large bathtub.

"What bath bomb should we use?" I yell out to my boyfriend as he's still in the other room.   
"A purple one."  
"Why purple?"  
"I don't know man," he walks in wearing no shirt and I nearly faint as he's so beautiful.   
"I'm already running the bath but it'll take a while to fully fill up."   
"That's fine." Phil says before gently pushing me to the floor and tickling me. He mounts me so I can't get away and he continues tickling me and I never want this moment to end. Phil pulls me into a tight sweet kiss.   
"You're so perfect," Phil whispers in my ear.   
"Mmm."  
"Looks like the bath is nearly full lets get in." We strip down and get in the bath finding it surprisingly comfortable for two people who reach over six feet tall. 

 

When we adopt a kid together we watch it very carefully. Especially when she behaves too well. I should know, good girls are just bad girls who haven't been caught.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have an idea to make a whole phanfiction based off this song:)


	12. Scars To Your Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Scars to your beautiful" by Alessia Cara 
> 
>  
> 
> In which Dan doesn't feel beautiful and Phil has to keep him alive 
> 
> Highschool au 
> 
> TW: SELF HARM AND EATING DISORDER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't what to go into graphic details and this is again trying to show that mental illnesses are not beautiful adm should not be romanticized because they are horrible

I knew something was wrong with Dan when he started praising "perfect images" they weren't perfect. They were altered and photoshopped to look perfect. He craves attention. He went unnoticed by everybody except for me. I wish I had been enough. He couldn't see that he was the most gorgeous human on this planet. The world has blinded him. He would try to cover up his pain. When I found out he was self harming my whole world fell apart.  
"Dan, it's 90 (f) degrees outside. Why are you wearing long sleeves?"  
"Nothing." Dan looks to the side.  
"I'm just cold."  
"Dan, what's wrong?" I whisper.  
"Nothing." Tears form in his eyes.  
"Dan what's wrong?" I whisper again. He lifts up his sleeves to reveal new cut marks all up his arms. He starts crying and I don't realize but I'm crying too.  
"Why?" I ask tears streaming down my face.  
"I don't know." I put my hand on his jaw and pull him close.  
"Dan, I love you, please stop."  
"I can't." I hug him tightly being careful of his arm.  
He didn't stop so I told his parents and they didn't care. I told the school counselor and they didn't care. I told everybody I could but nobody seemed to care. 

He seemed to have stopped self harming but then another issue occurred. Dan had stopped eating. First he stopped bringing lunch to school and he would always refuse food. Then I went to his house and I noticed he wasn't eating any food there either. I tried to get him to eat and I told more people and nobody seemed to care again. I tried desperately to get him to eat but again he refused and refused and refused.  
"Aren't you hungry?" I would ask.  
"What's a little bit of hunger?" He smiles and then frowns. "I can go a little bit longer."  
"Aren't you in pain?"  
"Beauty is pain and there's beauty in everything."  
"And you're beautiful."  
"No." He smiled and looked to the side.  
I grabbed his jaw and kissed him. It was good to see him actually smile for once. I wish he would smile more. His smile is beautiful and I tell him that and he doesn't listen.  
And over time he grows thinner and thinner and nobody will do anything. I try to force feed him but it doesn't work. Nothing's fucking working.  
"I don't want to eat."  
"Dan! Just bloody eat! I need you to eat." I throw something against my wall.  
"Dan I love you so much."  
"I love you too."  
"I just, you're ruining me and I know it's not your fault but this is killing me just like it's killing you." 

When Dan collapsed I was the first person who found him. Luckily he was still warm and breathing so I took his parents car and I drove him to the nearest hospital holding tears back. It takes a while but they let him in and hook him up to a bunch of machines and he's gone into a coma and there's nothing I can do except wait. I call his parents and they don't seem to care as they're on another vacation and they don't want to come home early.  
"Was he your friend?" The doctor asked.  
"He's my boyfriend."  
The doctor shakes my hand and walks out so I can spend a couple minutes with Dan. What they don't tell you in stories is that mental illnesses are not beautiful. They are the worst things to happen to somebody.  
"Hey, Dan, I know you can't hear me, but I just want you to know that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love you."  
And then the heart monitor makes the sound and the line goes flat.  
Before I know it the line goes up again and Dan wakes up.  
I hit the button that calls in the nurse and Dan looks confused and I'm worried but holy shit he's still alive.  
"What's going on?"  
"Don't worry, you'll be fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was tough


	13. Carousel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Carousel" by Melanie Martinez 
> 
>  
> 
> In which Dan and Phil fall in love in 1967

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This kinda sucks I'm sorry??

It was all fun and games until I fell in love. It all started when we went to the carnival. We went to "search for a nice young Christian girl" because that's what you do in the 60's. I'm fifteen and your sixteen and we decide to go on the carousel. I won't admit it but I really like you. Chasing after you felt like a fairytale. And then when we were on the carousel I felt like I was glued on tight because I couldn't move. And then we went back to my house and nobody was home because my parents are in France for the weekend and then we go to my room.   
"Hey Dan," you bite your lip and look away. "I uh have a confession."   
"What is it?" I ask and you still looked to the side.   
"I think I might be one of those homosexuals," tears form in your eyes. And then I kissed you. And when you realized what happened you smiled and then you realized what it meant and you frowned.   
"This is wrong." You whisper. "I can't be a homosexual!"   
"No, Phil we don't have to tell anybody."   
"But they'll find out." But it's too late because you already bought a ticket to this.   
"How do we hide?"   
"We act like friends."   
"But friends don't kiss each other, Danny what are we gonna do?"   
"They don't have to see us kiss." And then we dated in private for a long time. We would spend the night at each other's houses and we would kiss whenever we knew it was safe but we were always so scared. Then my parents went on vacation again. They went to Germany this time and you came over. You walked over to me as soon as the front door closed and then I was on the floor and you were on top of me and we were making out and you took off my shirt and you felt my stomach and my chest with your fingertips and that was all that happened and it was the best moment of my life. 

It's been a while and now I'm 17 and you're 18 and your parents have found you a girl to marry. You and I are still dating but we decide its best to break up so we can be normal. I want to cry but I waited until you were gone and then I cried and cried and cried.   
After a year you got married to Christine. You decided to move to America and I was never told where because you didn't want me to know.   
I'm now twenty-five and I'm going to New York. This is my first time in America and then I go to a bakery just to grab a cupcake because why not? I haven't dated anybody since we broke up because I'm still in love with you and I've been focusing on my career. Sitting in the back of the bakery, you cry to yourself. I know it's you because I catch a glimpse of your eyes and they send a tingle up my spine. Before I know it I'm walking over to you.   
"Hello."   
"Daniel?" You stop crying a jump up.   
"I noticed you were crying." I whisper sheepishly. "How are things with Christine?"   
"She knows."   
"Knows what?" I ask.  
"She knows I'm gay." You cry louder than before. "We have a son together, Danny I have a child."   
"How old is he? I whisper.   
"He's three years old. His name is Daniel."  
"Oh?"   
"I named him after you because I never got over you." Phil smiles and then goes back to crying. "And Christine wants to kick me out."   
"Well you can't get divorced that's not normal."   
"We will have to."   
"What's going to happen to your son?"   
"She'll probably get full custody."   
"Oh dear."   
"Dan, can we go somewhere private?"   
"Sure."  
We went back to Phil's house and nobodies home. We go to his room and he kisses me. I'm shocked but I kiss him back.  
"Run away with me."   
"Phil I can't I have a job in London!"   
"Then can I go back with you?"   
"Pack your stuff we are leaving in four days." 

I'm 65now and you're 66. It is 2017 and we've been married for four years. I'm so glad we went to that carnival 50 years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was bad


	14. Crazy=Genius

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crazy=Genius by p!atd 
> 
> In which dan is crazy and Phil is a genius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god it's been so long! I haven't posted since July 10 because I've been sort of busy? Ive been studying because I'm a loser and yeah. Also I worked really hard on thsi and it took me a long time because I didn't know what I wanted to do.

If crazy=genius 

Being a super genius isn't as easy as it seems. Yeah I get good grades but I have crippling social anxiety and I get bullied for every single thing I do. It's horrendous. Especially if Dan Howell is your next door neighbor. He's not stupid but he's not smart either, he's kind of an idiot when it comes a lot of things. He's always sneaking out of his house and being rude and obnoxious. He's pretty much my main bully.  
He and I were friends, once upon a time. We've lived next to each other our entire lives and our mothers are great friends. When we got to middle school and I was noticeably much smarter than all the other kids, Dan started to ignore me. He's too cool for me now.   
Today in Mr. Suggs classroom we are getting a lesson about bullying, yeah I'm bullied and it sucks but we don't need a lesson on it, we aren't five. Plus it's not going to change anything. The fact that I sit next to Dan Howell makes it even worse.   
"Today we are going to be discussing bullying." Half the class roll their eyes.   
"First let's start out by saying, that everybody is equal." Dan scoffs at this.  
"Are you saying that I'm equal to him?" I say pointing to Dan. "He's crazy!"   
"Well if crazy equals genius, then I'm a rocket scientist." Dan rudely remarks.  
"Boys." Our teacher flares at us.   
"Well Phil started it!"   
"Oh please, you started this six years ago." I glare at Dan. He looks utterly dumbfounded.   
"What's that supposed to mean?"   
"You know what, forget it." I say.   
"BOYS! If you keep this up I have no choice but to call your parents."   
We both shut up. I don't want my parents thinking I purposely got into a fight or that I need help. 

After our lesson about bullying, Mr. Sugg tells us about how we are going to be writing short stories but with a partner. This time everybody roll their eyes. Because we don't even get to choose our partners. One by one people are paired off until it's just Dan and I left. This means my partner is going to be none other than Daniel James Howell. Great.   
"Okay so who's house are we meeting at tonight?" Dan winks.   
"Don't do that," I kind of hope he does it again. "We can go to mine."   
"Great, we can walk home together."   
"Why are you doing that?" I question.   
"Doing what?" He looks away.   
"Being nice." He laughs at this. 

 

On the walk home we are very quiet. Dan is walking a couple feet behind me acting like he's not with me.  
"So what should we write our story about?" I ask Dan.   
"I have an idea." He smirks.   
"What is it?"   
"You'll see." And he winks again. Honestly I'm starting to get a little turned on. Whoops. Dan is really attractive. He has dark brown curly hair, warm eyes and the deepest dimples in the galaxy.   
When we finally get to my house I inform Dan that my parents aren't home and won't be for a couple hours and he just smirks again.   
"Let's head to your room, to work on the project I mean."   
"That's what I thought." I grin, it's good having Dan back in my house. 

When we get to my room I climb on my bed and tell him to sit somewhere. He ends up sitting at my desk. He is looking around my room and fiddling with the drawers of the desk.   
"So, what was your plan?"   
"Okay so two guys who hate each other and then they fall in love at the end."   
"Could be gayer." Dan laughs so hard that he snorts.   
"Okay," he smiles.   
After about half an hour of brainstorming he sits on my bed. We are coming up with names of characters. One named James and one named Michael. Dan came up with the names. I find it odd that it's our middle names but I don't say anything. After another hour Dan decides it's time for him to leave for the night.   
"Also,"   
"Yeah?" I ask curiously.   
"This doesn't mean we're friends."

I don't know why but this stings my heart a little. I knew things wouldn't go back to before but I thought he would be nicer. The thoughts in my head are consuming me so I take a shower to take my mind off of things.

 

It's not my fault I stopped being friends with Phil. He was just a know it all, always better than me. 'Oh why aren't you getting straight a's like Phil?' Or 'why can't you be more like Phil?' Phil was always one upping me and I couldn't stop it. Now I had a chance to repair things with Phil today but I blew it by telling him we aren't friends.   
His house is right next to mine and our bedrooms are facing each other. I notice that his blinds are still open but he's not in view. All of a sudden he walks into his room (in clear view of the window) in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. Goddamn. I know I've said I'm not gay in the past but I think I'm feeling kind of gay right now. He's just so beautiful I mean look at him! And then my whole world crashes down when he looks out his window and we make eye contact. I clearly try to make it look like I was busy doing something but it's no use. He quickly shuts his blinds. 

 

My shower was brief but I washed my hair so it must've been some time. When I walk into my room I scan for clothes and realize my blinds are open. This clearly freaks me out so I run to close them so nobody sees me when I make eye contact with none other than Dan! I quickly shut my blinds. What the hell was that? I quickly throw on clothes and rush out my front door. 

I hear a knock at my front door and then I hear my mother scurry to get it. I can't hear much but I can make out a little bit.   
"Yeah, he's in his room right now, just go to his room." I hear a faint 'thanks' and it sounds like Phil. I obviously have some time until he reaches my room so I take off my shirt and lie on my bed. I quickly remove my pants so that he is the one walking in on me slightly undressed. My bedroom door opens.   
"Get out! Do you not have the common decency to knock?" I yell sounding annoyed. I pull a blanket over myself.   
"Sorry, but we need to talk." Phil says blatantly trying to look away. I sit up. "Oh we're you having a private moment?"   
"No! What..what's that supposed to mean?" I act offended. "I was in my sleep attire." I inform him.  
"Well you watched me come out of the shower what's that for?"   
"It was an accident!" I yell defensively. "I'm not a fag."   
"I didn't say you were." He replies calmly. "But why were you watching me?" He looks angry and walks away when I don't have a response. What does he expect me to say? 'Oh I was watching you because I'm in love with you?' Jeez

 

Interrogating him didn't work. I still don't know why he would be watching me. Maybe it really was an accident.   
The next day at school he doesn't look at me or talk to me. At the end of our English class I go up to him.   
"Who's house are we going to tonight?" I inquire.   
"Mine."   
"Got it."   
When we get to his house Dan avoids eye contact. He keeps busy. He pretty much ignores me.   
"So uh... What are we gonna do?" I ask shyly. He ignores me for a second.   
"Phil, look, I'm really sorry about last night." Dan looks to the side. 

All of a sudden Phil is kissing me and I don't know what to do except kiss him back and holy Jesus this is better than I thought.  
"Maybe crazy does equal genius." I whisper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowza


	15. I don't love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't love you." By MCR 
> 
>  
> 
> In which Dan and Phil get into a fight and Dan leaves for the night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so my last chapter was kind of cringey and this one is slightly and I was going to make it more angsty but I think that could be one on its own instead of a chapter buried deep into this .

It's very clear that our relationship has been doomed. We've stopped time together alone. We are constantly dealing with our children and work and we never get to talk anymore. We don't even get to be by ourselves. I'm not blaming the children for our failing marriage because they really have made us ten times happier but we can never seem to get away from them. Our oldest child is Catherine. She is seven years old and then our other child is Danielle and who is four. I love them so much. Initially it was Phils' idea to have children but it immediately grew on me. Now these children who once brought us closer, are tearing us apart. And I can't take it anymore.   
"Phil, we need to talk." I tell my husband after tucking both our children into bed.   
"Yeah?" Phil looks confused and somewhat worried.   
"I think I need some alone time. I'm gonna go to my parents house. I'll be back before lunch tomorrow. It's going to be a Saturday so neither of us have to work. If the kids ask where I am tell them I had to go to work early or something. Okay bye."   
"But why?"  
"Sometimes I wonder if I don't love you like I did yesterday."   
"I love you. Be safe." Phil kisses my forehead before I leave. My hurt tinges a little before I grab my back and make my way outside. I am actually going to my parents house. I may be a dick but I don't lie anymore. My phone is on silent so if anybody tries to call me or text me I can ignore them. 

 

I can't believe Dan just walked out on me. I get that it's only for one night but you know how many people you can sleep with in one night? That's a lot. If Dan isn't really going to his own house I'm going to be very angry. I trust him though. I know he wouldn't do that to me. 

After a couple hours pass I decide to ring Dans families home phone. After a couple ring dans mother answers the phone and informs me that Dan is in fact there and doing well. "Can I speak to him?" I whisper. "Sure, let me get him." I smile through the phone.  
"Hello?" Dan answers.   
"Hi uh I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay and got there safely. I love you. Be safe." And I hang up immediately so I don't have to hear a response because it would probably break me. I decide to head to bed. It's already getting late and I have to take the dog to the vet for a checkup in the morning. Ugh. 

I wake up at a quarter past three to see a very large shadow standing over me. I shriek quietly before jumping up to defend myself.  
"Phil! Calm your tits!" It's Dan.   
"Dan!" I jump into his arms because I missed him so much. I even pick him up in the midst of all of that.   
"Wow, didn't think you've be so excited to see me." Dan whispers.   
"Why are you back so early?" I ask nervously.   
"I missed you," Dan pulls me into a hug. "Also I realized how much you care about me and it made me want to come back immediately."   
"I love you so much." I cry into Dans chest. "I missed you so bad."   
"I missed you too, and I love you so much." Dan whispers into my ear which he knows I hate but love at the same time. "My mom said she would watch Catherine and Danielle if we go have a weekend trip just the two of us."   
"When?"  
"Probably next weekend. I was thinking we could head up to Manchester?"   
"Perfect."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh it kind of sucked but I hope you liked it. Also I had a pretty shitty night last night because one of my no longer friends was being a massive cunt to me. Yay


	16. Youth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Youth" by Troye Sivan 
> 
> In which Dan Howell is a geniius who makes the ultimate sacrifice for his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me so long to make and I think it might be my longest chapter? I'm super proud of it.

"What if we run away?"

 

Daniel Howell was a young teenage boy growing up in a very religious household. Dan would do anything to get his parents approval, even if that meant hiding his true self. Because love is making a sacrifice. Now Dan is perfect content doing this, that is until, Dan met Phil. His whole world changed.   
It was a normal day at school for Dan. His first period which was math flew by quickly as it was his best subject but then second period rolled around and a new student was introduced. His name was Phil Lester. Dan immediately hated him. There was no rhyme or reason to it, but it felt necessary. The day passes as per usual until the very end of school. It just so happens to turn out that the new kids locker was right next to Dans locker. 'Just my luck' Dan thought hastily. When Dan was leaving the school he noticed a shadow behind him, and by shadow i mean a human following him.   
"What do you want from me?" Dan yells to the boy following him. "Oh it's you, Phil Lester." Dan rolls his eyes.  
"Yeah, that's me." The boy with black hair responds. "Look I just don't know where my house is but I know it's on the same street as yours."   
"Well you don't have to stalk me." Dan hastily replies. "Also I'm Daniel, don't call me anything else or I'll break your legs."   
"Wow, Mr. Religious church boy? Aren't you supposed to treat thy neighbor with kindness?"   
"Not if the neighbor is you."   
"Hmm. Bible boy, you aren't a very good Christ follower if that is your philosophy."   
"Well if you keep calling me stupid things I'll have to change my philosophy so that it'll allow those things."   
"Look. I don't want to fight, Daniel." Phil yells at Dan who is somehow over 100 feet in front of him. "You barely know me and you already hate me."  
"Well why get close to people?" Dan argues. "School is the most important thing to me and I don't need some idiot trying to stop me from my goals."   
"Well, Mr Howell, I'll still have to follow you home today."   
"Only today."  
"Sure."   
Dan was furious. Phil didn't seem to be affected by anything. Not only that but it was like he wanted to destroy Dans life. 

 

Dan noticed that on his street there was a new family which was obviously Phils family. They were all nice which still didn't make Dan stop hating Phil. It almost made him hate him more honestly. 

"How was school today?" Dans mother asked as Dan walked in the door.   
"Miserable." Dan angrily walked up to his room. "It's like the good lord himself punished me." Dan throws his backpack onto the ground and makes his way back downstairs.   
"What's wrong, Daniel?"   
"New kid in class. I don't know, I absolutely hate him."   
"Now remember Daniel, be kind, it's what the good lord wants. Unless he's a sinner."   
"He called me 'bible boy' today." Dan answers sheepishly.   
"Now, maybe he is just evil enough to hate."   
"Ugh, I'll get ready for the youth group." 

 

Dan was even angrier when he noticed the raven haired boy also went to his church group. How could that possibly be? What has he done to offend the lord so much? He hasn't even thought about anything sinful recently. Dan doubts the lord would purposely punish him. 

 

"Hello Children." The group leader exclaims excitedly. "We have a brand new member." The leader points to Phil.  
"Hi, I'm Phil." I glare at him from across the room.   
"Now today we are going to be splitting up into partners." I work best alone so I dread anything that requires two or more people. I sit in the corner whilst everyone else finds a partner.   
"Dan, Phil you are the only two people left so you will have to be partners." I roll my eyes and walk over to where Phil is sitting. We are just playing a game about remembering bible things and I already want to die. It doesn't take long for it to be time to go home so I grab my stuff and walk away immediately. I just want to go home and finish all my homework and never have to deal with Phil ever again.   
"Hello mother," I say as I hop into the front seat. As soon as I get home I go to my room and complete all of my homework. It's mostly easy. All besides science but I still get a 100% in the class. I take pride in being the best student and have had a 4.0 since eighth grade. I have already thought of the prestigious colleges I'll be able to attend. I'm not a snob and I'm not posh I'm just smart okay? My parents have always wanted me to get into a nice college. At first I wasn't too interested but now I intend to become a lawyer. Learning is my favorite thing and it always will be. Nobody can come between knowledge and I.

At eight pm I hear a knock at the front door and to my horror, the person at the door is Phil.   
"What?" I say as I open the door.   
"I was wondering if you wanted to walk to school with me tomorrow?"   
"As if!" I I chuckle.  
"Sorry, I'll go home."   
"Wait... I was joking, of course we can walk together. What time shall I be ready?" I think I looked as shocked as Phil does by the words that escape my mouth. I don't want to walk to school with the guy who called me 'bible boy,' in fact I'd rather jab my eyes out with a rusty SPORK.  
"7:30?" Phil suggested.   
"Why not?" I shoot a fake smile at him and wave him goodbye. When I shut the door I sigh louder than intended and head to my room to finish up the conclusion paragraph of my essay before I get ready for bed. I don't have time to make friends. I just want to be done be learn. People try to test me and the lord is testing me right now. 

I'm ready to go by 7:15, however I must wait another 15 minutes for the jack ass to be ready to go. My parents have both left for work early this morning so I am in the house alone. I listen to music until the raven haired boy knocks on my door. I groan as I grab my backpack and head for the door.   
"Hey," Phil smiles at me as I exit my house. I have to admit, he does look very nice today. He is clearly trying to look nice today and he didn't totally fail. I applaud him for that. He is wearing tight black jeans and a white button up. He buttoned up the very top button too, nerdy yet sophisticated. I might just steal his style.   
"Hi, good morning." I fake an excited voice even though I'd much rather jump into a pit of flames then be talking to Phil right now. "I've been ready for over 15 minutes now." I say passive aggressively. Phil laughs at this. Excuse me? This isn't a joke. I am angry. Why do you not understand my anger?   
When we get close to the school I stray from him so people don't think I'm actually talking to such an idiot. Other people seem to like him but personally I hate him. I don't know what it is but he just gets on my nerves. Maybe it's just me being overly competitive. I try not to let him bother me but for some reason I can't take him off of my mind. It's nonsense, he's bloody idiotic and I can't even stop thinking of him.   
As the day goes on Phil keeps trying to talk to me and I don't mind it too much during passing periods or lunch but when it's during class I nearly have a breakdown. I demand to be moved to a different seat because I am so angry with him. I don't understand why he can't just leave me the fuck alone.   
"Hey, do you want to get ice cream after school today? Phil asks during lunch.   
"No I am far too busy with homework today," meaning: my grades are more important than you. "But maybe this weekend?" I suggest only so he'll leave me alone. I can't deal with this boy.

"So..." Phil mumbles as school is ending. "Do you want to walk home with me?"   
"Do I even have a choice?" I groan.   
"No," he grabs my wrist and pulls me along. I feel this shock go through my whole body and then I realize what's going on.  
"Don't touch me!" I yell angrily and run off in the direction of my house. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but I hate human contact.   
"Wait!" I hear Phil yell from behind me but somehow I outrun him. I get in my house, locking the door behind me. I head to my room and start my pile of homework when I hear the doorbell ring. I roll my eyes and go check who it is.   
"Phil! What are you doing here?" I yell at my ignorant neighbor.   
"I wanted to apologize for grabbing your wrist. I also wanted to know if you would still walk to school with me tomorrow. We can go at 7:15."   
"No thanks." I slam the door and head up to my room to finish my homework. Today it only took me half an hour to do my homework as we weren't given much today and I finished most of it in my free time during school. Later on in the evening I get a call from a random number on my phone.   
"Hello?" I answer.  
"Hey it's Phil, I wanted to apologize again." I immediately hang up but put his number in as a contact. 

I wake up extra early today so that I can walk to school way before Phil can. I walk downstairs and hear my parents having a conversation about me.   
"I don't know, I kind of feel like Dan might be one of those homosexuals." My mother says in her concerned mom voice. I am shocked by this.   
"No way, no son of my is a fag." There is defiantly no way that I am gay so they shouldn't worry. Right?   
"I hope to lord he isn't." I can't take what they are saying any longer so I walk downstairs to and say good morning to them both. I think I startled them. Good. 

I manage to leave the house at 7:10 so that I can be sure Phil can't join me but much to my horror, he's been sitting on his front porch waiting for me. When I close my front door I nearly scream when I catch a glimpse of Phil staring a t me from across the street. I start pacing towards the way of the school but he catches up to me. I am beyond angry at this point. There is no reason for him to be bugging me like this.   
"Tonight can you help me study for tomorrow's test?" Phil asks kindly. I honestly feel a tinge of sadness when Phil says this. But I agree anyways. Tonight after school he is coming home with me.   
The day passes slowly but nothing too far from usual and walking home from school with Phil felt a bit more chill. We clearly were both getting more comfortable with each other and I think he was starting to become my friend. He stayed over and after we finished studying and doing homework he invited me over to his house where we played Mario kart. I'm not a huge of video games but I quite actually enjoyed this one. Eventually these kinds of things became regular events. I still was getting straight a's but I was also starting to act less straight, you could say. I never really addressed my sexuality as it was nothing I really cared about too much. I was always too busy to care for these things. Until one day, Phil and I were both studying for an English test and all of a sudden he stops. Then he kisses me. It was so sudden, so shocking? My heart had did this flippy over thing and it had never done that before. I kissed him back but soon I pushed him away. I told him my parents would kill me if they found out and this was his response, "what if we ran away?" I was dumbfounded by this. I would have never thought to leave my home with the only people who have ever been there for me. Even if my family is insane I love them. I would do anything for them. Because loving somebody is making a sacrifice. So I tell Phil to leave.   
"GO AWAY!" I yell way louder than I should. Tears filling up my eyes. "Go away," The salty tears stream down my face and drop onto my blue sweater, seeping in and leaving stains. "Now." I calmly whisper. 'There was no reason for him to do that. Why would he kiss me?' I thought to myself over and over again. It had been one of my biggest regrets as we hadn't spoken ever since then. That is until the day I graduated Harvard university. After the graduation I went out to dinner with my parent when I saw the raven haired boy with blue eyes again. I dropped the water glass I was holding onto the table.  
There he was. Phil Lester. He looked as good as ever and I immediately walked over to him, leaving my parents in shock. He looks surprised when I come up to him. I should be the more surprised one as it makes no sense for a random guy from England should be in Boston.   
"Hi," I awkwardly say to this familiar stranger.   
"Hey." He says back. The rest of the story is for another day. But for now, I can say this: Phil Lester loved me, so Phil Lester made the ultimate sacrifice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHH!


	17. Sarah Smiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sarah Smiles" by Panic! At The Disco 
> 
>  
> 
> in which phil is fine on his own but then a new person appears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing this on my laptop-but i haven't even started actually writing yet... im doomed
> 
>  
> 
> NOTICE: this story is purely fictional, any incorrect details are accidental.

To be fair, I was fine, just a guy trying live on my own, despite living with my parents. All I was really doing was waiting for the sky to fall, but then I met you, and you changed it all. When we first met, you tweeted me and were commenting on all of my videos of course I noticed you right away. You have brown hair which is straight in all your pictures but quickly I learned that it was actually very curly which only made me like you more. I sit back, as I lean against the wall propping my laptop on my legs to sit comfortably. Its late spring of 2009 and despite the showers outside I feel warmed, even if the thermometer says otherwise. You've always been warm and there has never been a moment when i thought otherwise. It was the most distinctive thing about you, besides your beauty and charm. Then suddenly the seasons pass quickly and it's fall. Then it's October and we decide we should actually meet up and soon it's no longer an if but a when? When you finally got a ticket for the train to come meet me in Manchester I freaked out. It felt unreal until it actually happened because it was the realest thing i had felt in a while. When you got out of the train I saw you immediately and we rush towards each other. When I finally hug you, I notice you smell warm, and my mother once told me, if its warm, it's a keeper. Although I think she was talking about jackets.  
And soon we are on the wheel and you kiss me. Suddenly my heart does this flippy over thing that it has never done before. At this point I knew you had won. Your aura almost sinful. I didn't want to get hurt as at any moment I knew you could decide i wasn't what you wanted. You were young, only eighteen at the time. It was almost too easy and i didn't want to take advantage of you so I tried my best not to fall. I fell very hard. You didn't notice because you smiled like you didn't care. Sometimes you live in your own world, so unaware of your surroundings because you're young and reckless. When you first stayed the night we woke early as you had an early train. You kissed me once more before you left which didn't shock me as we had kissed numerous times that night. I had hoped you would stay longer but it was fine, even if you took your time and almost missed the train. I had other things to do besides sit around and wait for you, like filming and editing videos, and chores my parents gave me. I hoped you have things to do too, or else I would've felt bad. After all this you still seemed unaware. I normally wouldn't say this but, did you know my destiny lay with you?  
At times I felt as though it was killing me, consuming all my time. I began to get upset whenever I couldn't skype you, I was blind to the world around me. Whenever I thought I was right you would prove otherwise, you practically strip away my side. Pushing my arrogance aside. But did you you know it was fate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY I WROTE IT AND IM LOWKEY PROUD PF MYSELF


	18. Heartbreak boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Heartbreak girl" by five seconds of summer 
> 
>  
> 
> In which teenage!Phil is tired of being in the friendzone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for my really long break I've been really busy lately

Sometimes life isn't fair. Whoever tells you otherwise is lying but nobody ever told me life is straight up cruel. It seems like the whole world is against me at times but it's worse when it comes to Dan. Dan has been my best friend for about a year now, we met in math class which he was significantly better at than I and helped me, I ended up getting an A in geometry thanks to him. So maybe life isn't completely horrible either but it doesn't mean I'm happy. Dan has been dating Samantha on and off for about six months now and every single time they break up Dan calls me so he can talk about his feelings and I love hearing him talk but he sounds so miserable almost like a broken record saying that his heart hurts. Which makes my heart hurt. I never want to see him so upset like this especially since he keeps getting back together with Samantha after she numerously cheats on him and breaks up with him just to see him cry. So Dan ends up crying and I end up lying saying that there is a girl out there perfect for him. Im a sucker for everything he does. When he ends the call he always says, "thanks for being a friend." And I'm trapped in the friend zone again and again.   
I dedicate my words to you, the boy who never sees the truth. I could take away the pain, I'm always right there when he needs me. When is he going to realize that? 

I bite my tongue whenever they break up. I want to scream put that he can be with me now. However every single time I just end up telling him exactly what he wants to hear. Which never has been and never will be, "I'm gay for you." So I shut my mouth. Because I know you question but you're not ready and it's just so fucking frustrating. She treats you so bad and I'm so good to you. It's not fair! And I know life isn't fair but Jesus Christ I deserve something. I know someday you'll realize that she is toxic and horrible but until then I have to keep it in. Sometimes I'm just so close to confession but again I bite my tongue. I have to get it through your head, that you belong with me instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHH I know this Doesn't have a real ending but I like it.


	19. Some Type of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Some Type of Love" - Charlie Puth 
> 
>  
> 
> When the worlds on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is slightly all over the place.

Some type of love-Charlie Puth 

When I'm old and grown I won't sleep alone. Every single moment from the day we met has been faded into you. That's some type of love if you ask me.  
We met when I was a mere eighteen, of course we had been talking on the Internet for months before we actually met but it was still nerve wracking. It almost felt like a blind date. It almost was. We had been flirting so much in those months before meeting, I mean I never expected for any of your comments to mean anything. Until they did. When I kissed you the first time I was so nervous, but you kissed me back and I melted to the ground (not literally).   
How can I be sad when I have you? You're all I need and when I feel sad I remember that I'm luckier than anybody else on this planet. I may be a sad person but around you I am the most opposite of that. I'm still so in love with you and I will be for the end of time. 

 

We've grown old together now. I'm 85 and you're 89. We have made so many memories and love and everything. We are frail and old but we have each other. Our daughter Emilia has given children and grandchildren and then great grandchildren and that's all I could've ever dreamed about. Everything is happy. Until we found out.   
It was a Saturday evening and we were watching the television news as it was the only thing on. We were in the bedroom and it was still light outside but our curtains were closed and the lights were off. The tv let off a warm glow. We sat in bed together, you had a book in your hand, I didn't really care to pay attention to the book as my main priority was the news. I've always enjoyed watching the news as it makes me feel more knowledgable so my eyes were practically glued to the screen. I zoned out until an alert popped up on our screen. I dropped my plate of macaroni and cheese on the bed when those words came on the screen. The words that changed the fate of humanity. It was an announcement for the apocalypse. I froze in place and decided to call Emilia before all the lines went dead.   
"Emilia, get somewhere safe, save everybody please." Tears start streaming down my face, my family is at risk. "I love you." She says to Phil and I before the phone line goes silent. Everybody is calling everybody and how could you blame them?   
I didn't know what to do except for look for comfort in Phil. He had no idea what to do but I knew any situation would be manageable if I had him by my side. He pulled me into a hug and I could feel his heart beating quickly. Tears are streaming down both of our faces.   
We keep muttering "I love you" and "it's going to be alright" even though deep down we know it won't be all right but there is really nothing to do.  
Soon all of London is on fire. Buildings are burning across the street from us. I hear neighbors yelling for help. The sound of children shrieking pierces my ears. 

Suddenly I am in a big wheel and my heart is beating out of my chest and I look over at you and you're young but I'm younger and I kiss you for the first time and you kiss me back.

Now we are moving into the Manchester flat and tears start to swell in my eyes because it feels more like home than anywhere else I had ever lived at that point.

Next I'm in London and we are fighting and not talking. I sit in my room shaking because nothing is alright. I cry myself to sleep because I have lost the most precious thing to me.

Then you propose and my heart feels like is about to beat our of my chest and I can't even believe what is happening. 

Soon it's our wedding day and I feel nervous as it's the day I'm finally tying the knot with my soulmate. 

And then our daughter is born.

Then it's now. I can feel the walls get gradually hotter and I grasp your hand tighter. I rest my head on your shoulder as the fire breaks through the wall behind us. Then fire slips through the door and soon our whole room is filled with smoke and fire. Before I go I have one last sentence.

"This is the most fun I've ever had"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes this is technically the final song but I took a few out and I have an opening for one more song so please suggest the last song thank you


	20. Thanks y'all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just a thank you to everybody

TO EVERYBODY WHOS READ THIS: I love you so much I am so greatful for all of this especially because this summer one of my ex friends was being a massive cunt (if you're reading this, why do you have the nerve?) and they keep saying dumb ass shit and having all their friends stalk all my accounts like bitch the fuck??? Anyways thank you


End file.
